i woke up feeling funny, and by funny i do mean with anxiety. it’s a rare occurrence but sometimes this happens. maybe you know the one- when your body only woke you up to pee but now that you’re awake an hour or two early (and still very tired, mind you) everything you’ve been meaning to cross of your to-do list, meaning to put on your to-do list, meaning to think about, meaning to figure out, meaning to etcetera etcetera decides to come rushing in like a tornado of icky hollow tossing+turning sweat on your forehead. there’s definitely no chance of falling back asleep but you lay there with your eyes closed anyways, your mind racing.
i hate the morning anxiety.
today the fact that it was a sunday made the matter a little more complicated. ever since i declared a big “i just don’t know” on the faith stuff and have thusly taken a break from attending church services, most sundays come and go with a warm nod towards my newfound agency and happy feelings about spending my day how ever i wish, and that’s that. sometimes, though, it’s different. sometimes sunday mornings are a really opportune time for me to have a large-feeling freak out about my lack of sureness about anything of a spiritual nature. this sunday in particular i found myself up early and internally slightly panicked while i lay there, refusing to make the trek to the bathroom. i was searching my brain for answers-
i mean, i’m totally not sure that the truth of the universe is definitively not found in christianity, just as i’m totally not sure that it is. where does that leave me? what if there is, after all, a hell? oh god. surely i am headed there, me and my hardened, doubting heart. *cue the supporting bible verses that run through my mind.* i don’t want to be apart from ben forever. *cue immense amounts of sadness while i picture ben happy in a bright place and me sizzling to my thousandth death in a dark one.* but maybe it’s all made up. or maybe the whole thing’s just supposed to be an elaborate metaphor for something that isn’t really going to happen. or what if this fear is all in my head? what if i only have to feel scared and guilty so long as i believe in a hell and a god who decided that that had to be part of the scenario? and by the way, when did i start believing in this narrative again? ugh, i really don’t believe in this. i don’t want to believe in this. but if i’m wrong then doesn’t this very thought confirm the fact that i’m precisely the kind of person who’s destined for hell?…
welcome to my brain on spiritual anxiety.
the above is a picture of a fraction of the thoughts that were running circles around my head. for the record, i didn’t figure anything out one way or another. the tossing+turning panics are not the time when things gets figured out- only freaked out about. i did eventually pee, though, and i did eventually decide i needed to put some music on while i got ready for work. i was too much in my head so i thought it’d be healthy to get lost in some rhythm and melody. the next thing i knew i couldn’t help myself- i was dancing around the kitchen, pushing all the troubles out of my body with each move until after a point i became a jumping bean, laughing relieved at how easy life can be.
and just like that, thus began my turned around day.